Relationship therapy

On my psychotherapy page, I explain how our experiences in early life can lead us to create beliefs about ourselves, our safety and our worth. I explain how young parts of us often hold on to these beliefs, leaving these parts of us feeling vulnerable.

Within partnerships, these young parts of us can become activated when we feel unseen, disconnected from or misunderstood by our partners. When this happens, we might defend ourselves in various ways, such as shutting down or becoming aggressive or demanding. 

Generally, we need to feel heard, safe and connected in these moments. Unfortunately, acting out tends to get us the opposite because our behaviour activates challenging feelings in our partners, who then jump in to defend themselves in similar ways.

When challenging feelings are triggered, our nervous systems enter fight, flight or freeze. Our priority is self-protection, meaning we become hypervigilant to threats and are more likely to respond defensively. We stop hearing each other, and productive conversations can become impossible. 

Sometimes, when our partners are annoyed or irritated, we might fawn or become compliant. This survival response may feel like a way to maintain connection; however, it leaves our feelings and needs unseen and unmet, which can build resentment and block intimacy.

The feelings triggered within partnership dynamics can go deep. For example, feeling misunderstood by a partner can trigger feelings of never being understood, or feeling ignored can activate a part of us that feels worthless. 

It can be hard to eradicate our triggers. Luckily, once we become aware of them, we have more choice over whether to respond from them. If we can catch ourselves when we are activated, we can take time out to self-soothe and self-regulate and then return to our partners feeling calmer and more able to express ourselves. 

Conflict is much less likely to escalate or get stuck when both or all partners learn to do this.

Therapy can help you unpack your relationship dynamics, map out how you trigger each other, and understand how and why your arguments escalate or why conflict is brushed under the carpet. 

I will encourage you to separate from and be there for the young parts of yourself, to witness strong feelings as they arise rather than get lost in them, and to spot the stories you are creating about yourself and your partner's actions. 

Together, we will explore the meaning of conflicts and the unmet needs or fears at the heart of them. I will teach you communication techniques which enable you to identify and express your needs and hear each other with empathy.

I will help you to create strategies to manage conflict, such as employing time-outs for when you feel activated and having a reconnection plan to enable you to come back together.

Therapy can also provide a safer space to speak openly about topics that have felt challenging to address. Having the experience of communicating on complex issues and feeling heard by one another can radically deepen intimacy. Once you learn to have honest and compassionate conversations in the therapy room, you will likely feel more able to have them at home. You will then be able to have ongoing discussions about what you need to feel connected, seen, safe, appreciated and understood, and keep working on practical ways to implement these things. 

I have completed Intimacy from the Inside Out, the Internal Family Systems relationship therapy programme accredited by the IFS Institute, and the Gottman Institute couples therapy training levels 1 and 2.

I have an advanced accreditation as a gender, sexual and relationship diversities therapist and practice queer affirming therapy.

You can also read more about my general therapy approach and other qualifications.

Learn more about my fees and location, and contact me to inquire about my availability if you are interested in working together.